I Got Half On It, Girl…Hey, Where’s Your Half?

^{Say heffa say what?}

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I’d like to discuss a problem.  This problem made me say the two most infamous lines in the black English manual for sh*t to say when you can’t believe some sh*t you just heard.

What are the two lines??? Glad you asked.

“N*gga, say what???”

And…

“I WISH a muhf*cka would!!!”

And what would make me say those two lines????  I was having a debate regarding whether or not shacking up was okay.  A friend of mine remarked that shacking up was okay, however, the man should pay the rent and the women should cover the utilties.  What followed in the comments was an ass melage of nonsense and nincompoopery.

I’m going to paraphrase:

“I’d never ever ever ever let a dude live with me that could not or would not pay the rent.  The whole damn thing.  I don’t believe in women paying rent, or splitting it like you’re just f*cking roomates.  You want to live here?  Cool, pay the rent.  You want me cleaning and cooking and sh*t, then get to paying the rent.  I mean you were paying it where you lived before.  And you’ll pay it here, just now you’ll get your laundry done, and your food cooked.  Yeah, yeah and I’ll pay the utilities, just cuz I’m fair.”

Umm…n*gga, say what???

Let’s discuss this part about not believing in a woman paying rent, or splitting it like you’re roommates.

Ummm…newsflash.  YOU ARE F*CKING ROOMMATES.  By definition, shacking up means you are an unmarried individual living with your boyfriend/girlfriend.  With the freedom of society today and the lack of morals running rampant, we all know folks are having sex.  Essentially…you are fucking roommates.  Yeah you might love eachother and all that good stuff but facts are facts.

And let’s discuss this “don’t believe” bullmalarkey.  Since some women seemed I polled agreed with that non-belief in a woman paying rent I’d like to add some of my beliefs.  Mmkay??

Mmkay.

I don’t believe in paying taxes.  I think its a f*cked up practice established by Starbucks, back when it was called Celestialpence.  I also don’t believe in holding open a door for a woman who may or may not say “thank you”.  However, by the powers vested in me, I pronounce not doing either of those things as…

…wait for it…

…it’s coming…

…have you been watching Family Guy?…

…it’s really funny…

…JACKED UP!!!!

It was offered that she’d pay the utilities.  Let’s craft an example, shall we??  Yes, let’s.

HIM Rent: $1000 (and this assumes you AREN’T living in DC, NY, SF, LA or Boston)

HER Cable, internet, and phone: $200 (assuming you got that Titanium Package) Utilities: $100 (including gas/water/electric)

For all you unmathematically inclined people out there.  Him=$1000, HER=$300.

Now, I might have missed a bill here or there since some of you have some bills I’ve never heard of like termite insurance.  Fact is, she’s getting WAY over on dude.  Not her husband (as many of these issues go away once you tie the knot), but her boyfriend.  Remember this?: He paid for his whole rent before, he can do it now.

Excuse me for a second, but that’s the most non-sensical sh*t I’ve ever heard.

Hell, she did too.  So maybe SHE should be paying for the rent then and let him do the utilities.  Further, that whole man as the head of household holds in marriage, when your shacking up…nuh uh.

And let’s just be real here.  No amount of cooking and cleaning is going to cover that.  ESPECIALLY since men are having to do that stuff nowadays TOO!!  Women are working a lot nowadays.  It’s not even fair to expect a woman to cook and clean and do all that extra stuff on her own.  But even if you did, you’d be met with the equal opportunity staredown of death and a bottle of 409 anyway.

Now…let’s get to the second part of this.  Essentially, I’d like to clear my throat, and say quite briskly and evocatively…

I WISH a muhf*cka would tell me they ain’t gonna pay half the rent when we ain’t married.

Negro please.

The only way I can see this is if there is a severe disparity in our pay at our jobs.  If I make $80,000 a year and she makes $40,000, we can discuss it.  Key word there motherfuckers…DISCUSS.

You ain’t gonna just look me dead in my eye and tell me that you ain’t gonna pay rent because I’m the man and I’m supposed to do man things…like pay the rent.

And don’t even THINK about trying to use that “guest room” defense.

What’s that??

Oh it’s that notion that the woman will make the man go sleep in the guest room, or second bedroom, since he wants to act like they’re roommates.  Once again…I WISH a muhf*cka would.

See, this is the most shortsighted idea ever.  Women work under the assumption that men have no willpower.  My response??

Try me.

No really, try me.

Assume that threatening to send me to the guest room will make me come to my senses.  I’ll be the happiest negro on earth sitting up in there reading comic books, watching videos, and eating bon bons while you wonder why I haven’t come back begging to get into your good graces.

Bottom line here is this; assuming that a man SHOULD pay the entire rent because he is the man is ludicrous.  We shall not be moved.

But, as a bonus, to the women who try this and think its a good idea, I’m going to let you know the third saying that usually ends up being involved in these type of situations.

Ready??

Cool.

The third saying in the black English manual of shit that you say when somebody says something that you can’t believe is this…

“You must got me fucked up!”

Amen.

So what say you good people? Is it fair of the man to have to pay the rent and the women just utilities if you’re living together (not married)? Why or why not?