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(Broken) Laws of Attraction
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Hi. My name is James. I’m a 3. Even on roller skates.
But I’m not delusional. There are a lot of delusional people out there.
And yes, this entire entry might constitute shots fired.
I feel it is my duty to please that booty keep it fern gully. I can’t tell you how many emails we’ve received, IMs we’ve been privy to, and phone calls/texts that have come our way from mostly women about why they can’t find a man. Everybody runs the same line about how great they are as a person and their resume blah blah blah…and nobody gives a flying frog f*ck. Well, other women might care because somehow women attribute the resume to how hot another woman is when the truth is, you can be the valedictorian of Harvard, future Rhodes Scholar, Phi Beta Kappa Poet Laureate of the Southside of North Compton and simultaneously gully enough to break up a 70-person brawl at the L’Enfant Plaza Metro Station in Washington, DC, but if you aren’t hot, none of it matters.
I read on Twitter earlier today (forgive me forgetting who said it) where somebody’s daughter told her that the opposite of “pretty” was “alone.”
Got damn that’s poignant even if its not true at all.
Anyway, as a paragon of Bustedaciousness myself, it wouldn’t be right of me to tell anybody that they’re hot or not. Heavens no. I will, however, let you know some ways that you can tell if you are busted or not. And yes, I will be including ways men can know too, though we all know that’s fluke since even the ugliest dude can pull a hot chick by making her laugh even with 4 kids by 5 different women, 37 gold teeth, 3 pinky rings, and a partridge in a pear tree.
So, you might not be hot if…
…you’ve ever asked a DJ to play a song and he straight up told you “no”. Do you realize how unhot you have to be to get denied by a DJ you can actually access to request a song by? Especially in today’s technology driven age. He doesn’t have to dig thru crates for a record. Nope, he has it on his 500-gig hard drive full of music that can be called up instantaneously via Serato…and he said no. Consult your mirror posthaste.
…you’ve never had a guy OFFER to buy you a drink. Notice I didn’t say that you took a free drink. Men are dumb. We offer to pay for the opportunity to have the possibility of nudity. Well, the lames of us anyway. I’ve seen ugly chicks who looked like they should be “fly” get free drinks. I’ve seen pleasantly plump, chins a plenty women get free drinks offered. Nobody’s ugly at 2am. Grenade.
…nobody’s EVER whistled at you on the street and you live anywhere near the Black part of town (and you have walkable streets). While I’m aware that women hate it when guys whistle at them, deep down inside, it has to be a slight self-esteem boost. I’d also guess that most women wouldn’t mind if the guys didn’t look like they’d just killed people and then ate some biscuits. Point is, even women with one attractive quality get attention, even of the negative kind.
…(if you’re a guy) you’re a 30 year old virgin. Unless religion is your oyster and cape, if you couldn’t get any stank at ALL from ages 16 forward then buddy boy, you just might be busted. I know this cat in DC. Ugly.as.the.f*ck. He has 8 kids. He is 19. I am not lying. He brags on how many kids he has. To other women. Which means that women still bone this dude DESPITE this fact. Just thought you should know.’
…every guy is intimidated by your success. Forget that you’re an arsehole. A banging enough woman will make a man face his own insecurities…at least for a while.
…every girl is trippin. No, they’re not. You’re probably just not that hot. Being a douche just pushes you over the edge. If you were hot, women would find you charing and aloof.
…all your dates end up at home or if he always wants to cook for you. Even G. Garvin goes out to eat sometimes.
…he/she forgets to introduce you to other people, all the time. It’s subconscious AND on purpose. It’s a double edged sword of buttchex f*ckedupedness. I remember once I found myself hanging with this busted chick (in my more immature days). I took her to my homeboy’s house and didn’t introduce her to anybody…there were chicks there that were hotter. Sue me. I was a 3 then too.
…nobody has ever said to you, “damn you fine”. It’s the most consistent lie ever told. However, it doesn’t get told to ugly mothertruckers. Word.Life.
Today is public service day. Let’s provide some guidance to those not in the know. How else should we if we’re not hot?
Help the children.